Feeling Betrayed

It's hard no to be angry with myself.  After all, everyone else has a right to be.  As a precautionary measure, a maneuver of self-preservation, I've been calling out from work to avoid repeating the cycle of intense, 7 hour workouts followed by 2 days on the couch.  Because that's just ludicrous.

It's given me great time for reflection (as retreats often do).  I've shed the stress, found a nourishing routine,  and have allowed my intuition to guide my daily decisions.  It's been marvelous!

I even bit the proverbial bullet and requested a voluntary demotion so I wouldn't keep screwing over my team by calling out, but though no apparent fault of my own, it hasn't come through yet.  So I keep calling out.

Today was supposed to be different, though.  Today was supposed to be the day I showed up for work -- because I was scheduled for in-service and a guard shift, not my usual routine of dragging the equivalent of 4 dead horses down half a football field.  Something I could actually handle without having to call out the next day because of inflammation, swelling, and compression of my spinal cord.  I was actually looking forward to it.  I even got laid last night, that's how lifted my spirits were!

And then... my period happened...

So it's hard not to be angry with myself.  It's hard to listen to what my body is clearly screaming at me from every imaginable cell of my being.  But it's good for me.

Ultimately it's not about anyone else, anyway.  It's about me.  My body, my life, my choice.